#basically im like an alcoholic who drinks hand sanitizer out of desperation

[dykeiism]

the current wave of comphet discourse is really getting me down because it seems like a total misunderstanding of why lesbians might consent to having sex with men. if i may be so bold as to post about my own experiences and risk being called a bisexual...

my attraction to women feels good. i have fantasies about touching and being touched by specific individual women. i like to imagine myself with one woman in particular and i feel comforted and pleasured by the idea of her hands on my body and of mine on hers. when we actually do have sex, it comes naturally to me. my arousal is exciting to me, and i feel satisfied and respected and safe after the encounter. i feel proud of what i did and i regard it as a good experience.

i seek out sex with men despite calling myself a lesbian. i don't believe that the sex i have with men tarnishes my integrity as a lesbian, and here's why: i'm a sex addict and i use sex as a method of self harm. when i have sex with men, they are random anonymous men. they could be anyone at all, and i'm not attracted to them in the slightest. my thought process is usually either "i'm worthless as a person unless i'm having sex. i need someone to use me the way i was born to be used, or else my life has no meaning and i should die" or "i need someone to hold me. i don't care who, and i don't care what i need to do to make it happen. i just need to be held." i panic and i dissociate and i try to stop myself from soliciting sex from men, but i feel like i'm watching myself from the outside. i feel terrified, ashamed, empty, and alone, and i regard it as a traumatic event. i'll never feel satisfied by the experience, so i seek it out again and again, trying to either hurt myself or to gain some kind of control over the situation. this isn't attraction; it's a horrifying combination of impulsivity, hypersexuality, mania, self-harming and suicidal urges, and severe dissociation. these are not things i should ever be acting on, if i can help it.

consenting to sex with men, even if i'm the one actively seeking out that sex, doesn't make me a bisexual. being told that what i feel towards men is 'attraction' is a complete misunderstanding of my experience and of attraction itself -- and it's a dangerous idea to spread. attraction shouldn't make you dissociate and panic. it shouldn't make you feel unsafe. feeling this way about men doesn't mean you're attracted to them; it probably just means that you have some psychological issues that you gotta work through.